What Would Brian Boitano Do?

Am I dating myself by making a reference to the very first South Park episode? I'm not talking about first episode on television, I'm talking about the VERY first episode. The one on the VIDEO (yes, video) tape that circulated and go so much attention that it launched the television show. I think it was a Christmas theme... YES, because I seem to remember that Santa and Jesus were putting up their dukes over who's holiday it was. Ah, yes... it was really funny. Anyway, somehow, the kids were trying to figure out what to do, or something (hey, it was like, thirteen years ago, so I'm a little foggy on the details...) and suddenly someone says, "What would Brian Boitano do?" (He's an ICE SKATER, young'uns!) Remember, y'all? And it became a joke, you know? Can't decide which sweater to get? "What would Brian Boitano do?" Don't know whether to get kung pao or lo mein? "What would Brian Boitano do?" Don't know if you should go to graduate school or waste your life wondering if you should have ever gone to graduate school? "What would Brian Boitano do?"

Okay, so right now, you're like, okay, maybe the ice skating thing is going to relate back to water... what we should melt all the ice so we can use it to give our dogs a bath? What, Karen??? Well, actually, no. I'm remembering this because this morning I actually am having trouble making a decision: Should I tell the powers that be at my son's nursery school that I don't think that they should have bottled water and instead use one of the 10 Britas that they use in the classrooms when we have a party. Then I thought, "What would Brian Boitano do?"

Well, I don't know Brian Boitano (If you do, please write), but if he's anything like me, he would wait and wait and wait for the exact right opportunity and the somehow make this really awkward presentation that would be very repetitive and half-assed so as not to alienate everyone or make anyone mistake the interaction for face-to-face conflict. That's me. I'm a chicken when it comes to just giving the straight dope and just end up feeling like Seinfeld once said - a dope giving it straight (I know, another 90's reference. Good times...) But damnit, I don't think Brian Bitano got a gold metal in 1988 by sitting on his butt and thinking about it. I think he would march (or skate) right up to the school and say that instead of getting this generation used to drinking bottled water, we should do our part to show them that this is not good for the environment - not good for the future of their planet - and use the pitchers from the classrooms. Whew! Brian, you're one gutsy guy.

Why am I so mousey when it comes to doing things like that. Okay, maybe I fear that I will never be invited to my friends houses again because I time their showers. Or maybe I think that my parents will leave me to be raised by wolves if I tell them not to flush every single time (Can they still do that now that I'm almost 40!?!?!) Well, for all of you out there who have been irritated by me getting in your face about the size of the ice cubes you use, please know, it's just because I care. I'm sure Al Gore has annoyed his share of people. I'm sure the guy can't go anywhere without letting out a few tisks. This is the only way to get this done.

Okay. Once again, Brian Boitano has pushed me into making a decision. I'm going for the gold... Then I'm going for an orange smoothie. Get it?